It put colour to a painting that was already sketched in pencil. I would never have expected that my experiences as a child and beyond could be summarised and defined so easily through a 3am Google search. Later that night I looked up the term on the internet and was overwhelmed by what I read. I overheard one of them say something along the lines of “There is nothing wrong with intrusive thoughts. I was at a bar with a friend and we met two girls who happened to be psychologists. It wasn’t until 17 years later I stumbled across the term ‘intrusive thoughts’. I would focus on a black space of nothing and think of something safe, something neutral and then hold on to that image until the unwelcome thoughts at the fringes of my mind disappeared. I spent a tremendous amount of energy trying to quieten my mind. That single word ‘kids’ followed by accusations of ‘you’re a paedo’ constantly ramming through my head, incessant thoughts and images tapping at the periphery of my mind.įrom a young age I realised that my mind was not my friend. Sleep was a Holy Grail that could not be reached. I subsequently spent what felt like most nights of my teenage years lying in my bed, alone, awake, and scared. I can’t explain it perfectly but from that moment, unwanted thoughts and accusations started popping up in my head and I became terrified that I was a paedophile. In that moment I found it almost impossible to not think of that word. It began in my science class the next day when the word ‘KIDS’ suddenly bombarded my mind. For some reason, the eventual arrest triggered something in my head. I remember the day the world found out that my youth worker had been arrested for sexual assault. I knew I wasn’t one, but I had unfortunately encountered a paedophile, and for some inexplicable reason that led to my continued battle with intrusive thoughts. All I knew was that I was 14 years of age and I was petrified of being a paedophile. I didn’t know about thought disorders or how my mind works. When I was a teenager, I didn’t know what I know now.
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